Revelation + Divorce = Very unhappy Man.

Well, the tale of woe seems to never end. The conductor of pain revisits me for a double dose. I seem to be a top candidate for this torment. I imagine I am to blame. I’m sure these are circumstances that I am to blame for fully. But you know? You just don’t want to have to admit it out load when the sky in your mind is gray right? I mean why not blame someone or something else for your problems till you realize that there are solutions to them right? Sounds political I know, but it is what it is I guess.

So, as it turns out, I am to blame for my relationship with my girl ending and not in a small way. Seems my relationship with her was diminished by my tendency to be closed to her emotionally and with my relationship with my then separated wife, now ex wife. There were a couple, if not more, times that I made a huge error in overlooking the feeling of the woman I love the most, and spent time with my ex when I should have been with my lover. As sincere of a plead that the time I spent with my ex was platonic and business related, the fact was I was wrong. I was very wrong.

Here’s and example of something I did that I now realize I was very wrong. I said to my lover on one occasion that I was having a horrible day and that I wanted to be alone. Then, later that night I went to Fred Meyers to pick up some crap and decided to swing by my ex’s house (which is on the way) to talk about the business we own mutually and to work out some of problems that was making my day terrible (I don’t deal with my business well anymore since my manager left a wile back). Seems this was a very bad idea cause my lover asked to come and comfort me earlier that day and I said I just wanted to be alone, but then I spend time with my ex and she is very hurt by this. I had it in my mind how this was reasonable, but I over looked (Like a moron!) how this would make my lover feel. It was such a revelation when my girl told me this. I just had to “own up” to this as she put it. I did. It was a terrible feeling. I would have never intentionally hurt her and for that matter anyone round me, but especially her. But it was just so overwhelming to see her hurt. To see her cry with the anguish that I would overlook her comfort for the woman I was supposedly leaving. Man. I can get myself into some real dumb situations. If this isn’t bad enough, I had arranged for my ex and I to go to a trade show for the business the very next day! I could have worked all this shit out on the way to Portland and back! That would have been 4 hours of driving time that we could work this crap out! Man. I just wish I had been clearer in my mind then how this would have affected my lover like it does. My excuse, not that it makes things better, is that when I am stressed with a problem, I have a real need to fix it immediately! If I don’t, it chews me up and I am a very unhappy man.

So, I have learned it is that my most special lover is hurt, possibly beyond repair from me. The one who promised to protect her heart and to help her, not hinder her ability to trust me with her most precious of feelings. I failed. And I failed twice. I left her a wile back to try to sort out my mind. It really hurt her then and she let me back in her life and I turn around and do this. It is crushing to know this, but I am glad we were able to get this in the open. She is very hurt and is struggling to find some stable ground in her life and I am not something she wants to risk getting hurt from again. I don blame her. I would certainly be careful if the shoe was on the other foot.

After this I asked if she felt that our relationship is forever damaged, torn and unfixable. She doesn’t know. I’m sure this is something that will take her time to figure out. I will continue to stay close as I can and try to prove to her again that I am a creature of change and that I can work through anything with this much love in my heart. That I can change my actions now that I am aware of their damaging affects. However, I know, that once the damage is done, little can be done to change the pain. It is there none the less and only the individual that is suffering can do anything about it. Man. I cry allot about this fact of human nature and our precarious nature in the loves battlefield.

So, if this isn’t tough enough on ones spirit, the next day I was scheduled to meet my separated wife and officially file the divorce paperwork at the court house. I was up till late the night before with my lover hashing these previous issues out and then I sat up for an hour later just watching her sleep. I got home around 4ish am I think and then couldn’t sleep till 8ish and just locked myself in the bathroom, curled up in a comforter and hid from life till 10ish. Phone kept ringing and ringing and ringing. Seems life just knows the little things that can hurt you most when all you want to do is hide. Well, I got dressed, wiped whatever tear trails I had on my face and put on a brave face to meet my ex. When we were on the way to court house, it was almost ethereal to me. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I was a huge failure for failing at my relationship with my ex and that I was now gonna be 33 years old, divorced twice and had no one to share my pain with. As we walked up the steps to the courthouse, little was said, but the tears began whelming up in our eyes. I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t anticipate how much it would hurt me to see my ex so hurt. I realized that the pain I have felt for these last few weeks was only a fraction of the pain she has endured for the last 8 months. I just imagined the horrific nights she has had to endure from me leaving her. All the hours of being alone and wondering if she was at fault for the ending of the relationship. All the questions that have no answers. I cry even now for putting her through this garbage. I cry so strongly I am physically ill and have to keep myself from puking. I just have to remember that just because the marriage ended, it doesn’t mean we cant still know one another and be friends at a distance. It does mean that the relationship cannot be fixed. An that it the worst of feelings isn’t it my friend? The knowledge that a problem has arisen and there is no solution for it. It has just ended. This for the best though. I know this in my deepest of my mind and heart. Just wish it didn’t have to hurt her and myself like it does.

So, now that you have heard what it takes for me to have the worst day of my life, I will tell you why I know that there is hope with at least one of my relationships. My ex girlfriend called me when I was at the court house and then later to make sure I was ok. And then she let me come and drink some wine with her and let me lose myself in her beauty for a few hours. I know there was no strings attached to this, but it made me sop hurting for a bit. Takes a mountain of a heart to do this for someone when you are hurting from them right? Perhaps a light is still on in her heart for me. Perhaps she will decide not. But, alas, I had another night in her beauty.

Markus.

Another chapter in the daze of my life!

Well, it’s been over a week since the love of my life decided I was not her ideal mate. Been so dark at times, I’ve been unable to look at life with rose colored glasses. She has explained that there are many reasons why the relationship had to end. I hear her and wish I could defend myself in a more meaningful way, but I know it’s to no avail. She has her mind made up, so I’d better just get used to being without her for now.

Everyday, I wake up, sleepless and in pain. Emotional pain is the worst you know? It doesn’t go away, even when you sleep. I have nightmares every night almost. I have had them for as long as I can remember really. They usually involve subject matter that doesn’t stay in my head long after I awaken. These recent nightmares however stay all day, and worsen when I close my eyes. I even have headaches some mornings. I don’t think I have felt anything quite like this.

I know this is the healing process. I know this is what one has to go through when a break up occurs and they didn’t want it. I have had the miss fortune of having to end two relationships myself that seemed to fizzle out, but only for me and not my mate. Perhaps this is karma return on those deeds? Would make sense.

I feel in my heart that she has made her mind up permanently, but I know I will pine for her for some time! I know I will see her face in my mind for a dear long time. I still have a close relationship with her. I know she loves me, but she is holding back to protect herself and to give her time to think out what it is she needs and wants in her love life, family life and professional life. I get to chat with her daily and see her for lunch occasionally. I still feel she is drawn to me when I kiss her. But I know the door is closed.

I accept this relationship. I know it is just the way it needs to be. I am also aware she will eventually find her self in another relationship at some time, but I fear it won’t be with me. My game plan is to stay near to her. Prove to her that whatever mistakes I have made in the past are in the past and that I am worth another try. But I will try to give her whatever space she needs. I will try to make it easy for her to move on if that is her need. I have asked a couple of times for her to tell me when she is interested in another man, so I can pull the plug on my love life with her and officially call the relationship over. I believe she will tell me truthfully.

Till than it’s be strong, be strong and of course, be strong! Thank god for friends!

Peace

Notes from the Inside

Notes from inside

The day has come. I am brave, but find little satisfaction at my determination. I have so absolute a vacuum to fill, but the subject of this aberration of my heart relinquishes its interest in me.

Subjectively, it could be said, that I have not shown those attributes that polish a man’s persona, but rather begets a dull, undetermined and wishy-washy character. Characteristics that would show callow, or otherwise shallow interest in the care of those closest to him. A persona distant from true love. An individual incapable of close examination. Fearful or persecution and character rape and identity fraud. I am the one to which these subjective admonitions could be said of. I weep candidly. I turn to the inside of my skull and quake in the resonant vibrations of such accusations. I plead with my very soul that it cannot be. I cannot be the man in this picture of skewed perception. I cannot be. I simply cannot be.

Alas, I find no solace of my own minds conclusions. I find no solace in the perception that I have been demolished by my own construct of personal resilience and absolute honor. I have no peace in mind that my words ring absolute truth. I lie. I manufacture subjective truth to other wise cover the truth of my persona. I have withered the remnants of a carpet of such frayed edges to be unworthy of the love it wants to cover. Holes allow such simple actions of candor and dependence to not get to the woman of my sole. I find such my hands utterly tied. Unable to break free of the hold such emotion.

I bring my needs to the table again. They are heard. Sympathized with. And bashed on a rock till no remnant of hope is left to prove such needs are left. I cry openly now. I see no way to convince the object of my desire that I am worthy of her grace, beauty and life. The bullet of honesty punches a hole through my very being and shakes me to the foundation.

I see no flowers, or even the sun in the place I dwell. I see little in familiar faces. I hear, but not listen to all the advice of years of experience near me. I crush inward till the exterior is only recognizable to those who know what I am. It is evident to all who and don’t know me that my soul is in peril.

I spoke to god a couple of times. I tell him my needs and wants. Ask such aid only the creator of all could provide. I apologize immediately. So many others need him so much more than I. My request continues as if I seek from somewhere within. I ask that he take pity on my shallow request. That he find the nature of my request filled with only the most solid of my being. That my request is not merely desperation, but relief from such horrific pain.

To have such a loss when I have found my clarity is such a mess. I find myself self doubting all I have accomplished. Question my very value. I am left with this last summation:

I am a man of quality. I don’t believe in untruth. I search out the truth. I love, not for my own, but for the sake of others. I love to hold and cherish all that is most important to me. I fail at little, but am first to admit my wrongs and make right. I care for the nameless stranger and hate the unrepentant. I give to watch happiness and joy, and do so to a fault.

To my darling I say this. I have what it is you need. I just need help up the stairs to the house of your love.

I hope this finds no one un-interested. Guess I just needed to vent. Been so long since I put the flesh to my blog.

Time it was more active.

Markus