Another chapter in the daze of my life!
Well, it’s been over a week since the love of my life decided I was not her ideal mate. Been so dark at times, I’ve been unable to look at life with rose colored glasses. She has explained that there are many reasons why the relationship had to end. I hear her and wish I could defend myself in a more meaningful way, but I know it’s to no avail. She has her mind made up, so I’d better just get used to being without her for now.
Everyday, I wake up, sleepless and in pain. Emotional pain is the worst you know? It doesn’t go away, even when you sleep. I have nightmares every night almost. I have had them for as long as I can remember really. They usually involve subject matter that doesn’t stay in my head long after I awaken. These recent nightmares however stay all day, and worsen when I close my eyes. I even have headaches some mornings. I don’t think I have felt anything quite like this.
I know this is the healing process. I know this is what one has to go through when a break up occurs and they didn’t want it. I have had the miss fortune of having to end two relationships myself that seemed to fizzle out, but only for me and not my mate. Perhaps this is karma return on those deeds? Would make sense.
I feel in my heart that she has made her mind up permanently, but I know I will pine for her for some time! I know I will see her face in my mind for a dear long time. I still have a close relationship with her. I know she loves me, but she is holding back to protect herself and to give her time to think out what it is she needs and wants in her love life, family life and professional life. I get to chat with her daily and see her for lunch occasionally. I still feel she is drawn to me when I kiss her. But I know the door is closed.
I accept this relationship. I know it is just the way it needs to be. I am also aware she will eventually find her self in another relationship at some time, but I fear it won’t be with me. My game plan is to stay near to her. Prove to her that whatever mistakes I have made in the past are in the past and that I am worth another try. But I will try to give her whatever space she needs. I will try to make it easy for her to move on if that is her need. I have asked a couple of times for her to tell me when she is interested in another man, so I can pull the plug on my love life with her and officially call the relationship over. I believe she will tell me truthfully.
Till than it’s be strong, be strong and of course, be strong! Thank god for friends!
Peace
Everyday, I wake up, sleepless and in pain. Emotional pain is the worst you know? It doesn’t go away, even when you sleep. I have nightmares every night almost. I have had them for as long as I can remember really. They usually involve subject matter that doesn’t stay in my head long after I awaken. These recent nightmares however stay all day, and worsen when I close my eyes. I even have headaches some mornings. I don’t think I have felt anything quite like this.
I know this is the healing process. I know this is what one has to go through when a break up occurs and they didn’t want it. I have had the miss fortune of having to end two relationships myself that seemed to fizzle out, but only for me and not my mate. Perhaps this is karma return on those deeds? Would make sense.
I feel in my heart that she has made her mind up permanently, but I know I will pine for her for some time! I know I will see her face in my mind for a dear long time. I still have a close relationship with her. I know she loves me, but she is holding back to protect herself and to give her time to think out what it is she needs and wants in her love life, family life and professional life. I get to chat with her daily and see her for lunch occasionally. I still feel she is drawn to me when I kiss her. But I know the door is closed.
I accept this relationship. I know it is just the way it needs to be. I am also aware she will eventually find her self in another relationship at some time, but I fear it won’t be with me. My game plan is to stay near to her. Prove to her that whatever mistakes I have made in the past are in the past and that I am worth another try. But I will try to give her whatever space she needs. I will try to make it easy for her to move on if that is her need. I have asked a couple of times for her to tell me when she is interested in another man, so I can pull the plug on my love life with her and officially call the relationship over. I believe she will tell me truthfully.
Till than it’s be strong, be strong and of course, be strong! Thank god for friends!
Peace
posted by Markus at 10:26 PM
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